Resolving Conflict

The love or goodwill you have in your relationships with others is like a beautiful but fragile robin's egg. When you experience conflict in your relationships, how you handle the conflict will either preserve your love and keep it healthy and whole, or it may cause it to break into pieces and turn into a crushed, sticky mess.

Conflict is all about desires that are at war with one another. You might have a conflict at work because your boss wants your paperwork done a certain way but you don't think that's the most efficient use of your time. Or you could have a conflict at home because when your husband comes home from work, he wants to relax and watch TV, while you want to talk about your day. Sometimes you experience conflict with friends because you're annoyed by their habit of arriving late to everything or saying they'll do something and then not following through.

James 4:1-3 says, “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.”

So often, conflict arises because we are seeking comfort, or pleasure, or love, or respect, and we do not receive it. These are not bad things in and of themselves, but our desire for them has become warped when we want them so much that we begin to harbor bitterness and resentment against those who do not give them to us.

So how should you handle conflicts? How do you know who's right? How can you handle conflicts in a way that helps preserve the goodwill in your relationship instead of destroying it?

- Before you start yelling at whoever has made you upset, take some time to stop and think things through. What specifically did the other person do that has made you angry or caused a disagreement? What is the other person valuing and what are you valuing that is causing the disconnect? Sometimes you figure out that you may both be wanting the same overall goal (e.g. a workplace or home that functions smoothly), but you may be disagreeing on how to arrive at that goal.

- Try writing something down or talking things through with someone you trust. This can be helpful for sorting through your thoughts and getting a fresh perspective on the situation.

- Evaluate. Are your desires and wants realistic? And more importantly, are your desires in line with what God wants for your life (i.e. are they in line with what the Bible says we should pursue and desire)? How about the desires of the person with whom you are in conflict?

- Ask yourself: Is the conflict over a matter that is important enough to make a big deal about, or is it something you can forgive and forget? Here, it's important to be aware of your own personal tendencies. Do you tend to run towards conflict, or avoid it? If you are conflict averse, you are going to be more likely to sweep things under the rug that ought to be addressed. But if you have a confrontational personality, you may be more likely to bring up anything that annoys you – even if it really shouldn't be a big deal. Here again, it may be helpful to ask for advice from someone you trust and see whether they the issue at hand is something worth discussing.

- If you decide the conflict is important to bring up and discuss, seek to be as gracious as possible in the way that you address the issue. It's important not to make blanket, accusatory statements (e.g. “You never pay attention to what I think!” or “You're always making things difficult!”), because the person you're talking to will simply feel attacked and will start becoming defensive. Instead, you can try something like, “When you do (or say) _____, it makes me feel _____. Next time, could you try ______ instead?”

- Be quick to acknowledge your own shortcomings and sins and ask forgiveness for them. This is very, very important! If your spouse doesn't complete an important task you asked her to do and goes shopping instead and you yell at her afterward, remember to ask forgiveness for your angry words. Yes, she should have been more responsible, but you are also responsible for your reaction, even if you feel like you couldn't help getting mad.

- Remember that your ultimate goal is to become more like your Savior, who is the ultimate example of patience, long suffering, kindness, and love. He is very patient with us, and we should seek to be patient as well with those who have offended us.